rememberlove: (Default)
[personal profile] rememberlove
My god, is this actually happening? Am I realizing that so many of my relationships, including friendships, especially those that were intimate were only based on neediness and clingyness? Based on something I can take and not something I can give?

I am shocked at the illusion I have been living in; even with myself! How good of a thrill can I give myself today? When was the last time I asked myself, how well can I listen to myself today? Or how well can I sit with myself today before I do something to step outside myself? How well can I feel the floor beneath me?

I took a plunge recently. I separated from a person I had been dating for several years. It was a risk and luckily I am a risk taker. What I discovered past my initial heartbreak and hours of Drake songs was that I was reveling off of the pain. In fact, I was loving it. Feeling the pain and yes I was even feeding off of it. I find it quite inspiring that I was able to overcome the darkness by melding with it. Now oddly enough, as I sit with this silenece, almost as if in an uncomfortable serenity, I feel a stillness. The quieting of a beating heart and the calming of my stomach churning. A sense of peace that has brought about countless observations. A sense of certainty in myself. How could something such as a separation from someone I was so complicated with and addicted to, combined with the efforts of God and the universe bear fruit to such a profound truth? It was as if the last key to my own sense of peace was self respect and total acceptance of myself and discovery of my true inner self after countless visits from gods and goddesses; the (some would say seven or three hundred) keys to my soul burst open and my heart was filled with love, soon after moments of deep self respect, as much as my body trembled.

My god, there was a hole in my heart for years and I didn't even know it. The music I listened to only paraded the subject, some movies as well. Songs about letting me touch you one more time or how much of a b*tch such and such is. Violence on how I can overpower a person and own them. Songs about how I need you, want you so bad, because I can't live without you. Bullshit of course I can! It serves neither a couple nor friend to be so draining of one another's power. And while this realization occured, a growing interest in exploring my own mind and the inner world. A sense of being full with knowledge of myself. No need to hunger for the knowledge of others, only a calling to share and share some more and celebrate sharing with others. A calling to explore my own soul. A feeling of empowerment when I took back my power and forgave those who caused me so much pain. A realization that I am only playing a game and we the people are just actors on the world stage. That we are not small and instead quite large, as every person keeps each other, the universe, and truth, very much alive.

And as I walk here silently in the night, hugging the streets with my gentle step and feeling the wind embrace my body, so beautifully, I feel at peace knowing that this is way better to me right now than the gym I decided to not go to, tonight. That bearing my soul out to this space is better than sex, yes. it is peace, something I am and am not obligated to be. This is deep than the superficial emotional roller coaster that called in my mind for countless rides, only to want to get off and get back on again. Amazing to me how the ride does not even matter anymore. This feeling does not compete because there is nothing to compete with. No one to dominate or dominate me. It's just me, at peace with myself. This is as whole as I have ever felt in many years, nearly a decade.

There is no competition because there is no need to compete. The only thing I seek to do now, is love and share with myself and others. Many blessings to whoever is reading this and much love!

Date: 2017-04-20 11:50 am (UTC)
cafewitch: (Default)
From: [personal profile] cafewitch
You're a beautiful soul my friend.

I'm very happy for you and proud of you. It's not easy stepping out of such a perfect storm and acknowledging all these feelings and facing them.

And great job for calling back your power. It's yours.

Here's to continued clarity, growth of self, and peace.


rememberlove: (Default)

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