Apr. 19th, 2017

rememberlove: (Default)
My god, is this actually happening? Am I realizing that so many of my relationships, including friendships, especially those that were intimate were only based on neediness and clingyness? Based on something I can take and not something I can give?

I am shocked at the illusion I have been living in; even with myself! How good of a thrill can I give myself today? When was the last time I asked myself, how well can I listen to myself today? Or how well can I sit with myself today before I do something to step outside myself? How well can I feel the floor beneath me?

I took a plunge recently. I separated from a person I had been dating for several years. It was a risk and luckily I am a risk taker. What I discovered past my initial heartbreak and hours of Drake songs was that I was reveling off of the pain. In fact, I was loving it. Feeling the pain and yes I was even feeding off of it. I find it quite inspiring that I was able to overcome the darkness by melding with it. Now oddly enough, as I sit with this silenece, almost as if in an uncomfortable serenity, I feel a stillness. The quieting of a beating heart and the calming of my stomach churning. A sense of peace that has brought about countless observations. A sense of certainty in myself. How could something such as a separation from someone I was so complicated with and addicted to, combined with the efforts of God and the universe bear fruit to such a profound truth? It was as if the last key to my own sense of peace was self respect and total acceptance of myself and discovery of my true inner self after countless visits from gods and goddesses; the (some would say seven or three hundred) keys to my soul burst open and my heart was filled with love, soon after moments of deep self respect, as much as my body trembled.

My god, there was a hole in my heart for years and I didn't even know it. The music I listened to only paraded the subject, some movies as well. Songs about letting me touch you one more time or how much of a b*tch such and such is. Violence on how I can overpower a person and own them. Songs about how I need you, want you so bad, because I can't live without you. Bullshit of course I can! It serves neither a couple nor friend to be so draining of one another's power. And while this realization occured, a growing interest in exploring my own mind and the inner world. A sense of being full with knowledge of myself. No need to hunger for the knowledge of others, only a calling to share and share some more and celebrate sharing with others. A calling to explore my own soul. A feeling of empowerment when I took back my power and forgave those who caused me so much pain. A realization that I am only playing a game and we the people are just actors on the world stage. That we are not small and instead quite large, as every person keeps each other, the universe, and truth, very much alive.

And as I walk here silently in the night, hugging the streets with my gentle step and feeling the wind embrace my body, so beautifully, I feel at peace knowing that this is way better to me right now than the gym I decided to not go to, tonight. That bearing my soul out to this space is better than sex, yes. it is peace, something I am and am not obligated to be. This is deep than the superficial emotional roller coaster that called in my mind for countless rides, only to want to get off and get back on again. Amazing to me how the ride does not even matter anymore. This feeling does not compete because there is nothing to compete with. No one to dominate or dominate me. It's just me, at peace with myself. This is as whole as I have ever felt in many years, nearly a decade.

There is no competition because there is no need to compete. The only thing I seek to do now, is love and share with myself and others. Many blessings to whoever is reading this and much love!
rememberlove: (Default)
feed from the dark
pray for the light
feed from the dark
pray for the light
feed from the dark
pray for the light
rememberlove: (Default)
I walked into my house this night. I was surrounded by thoughts and memories that made my stomach cringe, my churning sensation. This body of mine was flippant at the idea that I would have to spend another night in this home that I used to call a home and share with what I thought was my significant other. And then it dawned upon me. As I was about to send a message to a friend, wondering why the heck I was "projecting" my emotions onto the walls and ceiling, filling every crack and crevasse with the words, mine mine mine, I realized something. I realized that none of this was mine. That mine is not mine, it is mind. Mine is mind. The very thoughts I associated with "my house" and "my room," became seeds for attachment and seeds for self-destruction. I struggled with this as I thought to claim "my stuff" from another room in the house, yet ironically, none of those things were actually or are actually "mine."

The irony was that, yes I do have my preferences for a clean space and the house is a mess.

The difference between that statement and, my house is a mess, is seven fold.

"My" house denotes possession and ownership; the very root of which I am starting to understand. It is not my ownership over something that is necessary for me to be close to it. It is being close to it that creates a bond and connection. I was hell bent over possessing the space I live in and have lived in. Making it "mine," in an obsessive format and fashion (no pun intended). That attachment to the space I live in has created such vast projections all over it. Every inch of the space I have lived in I had to claim as my own and fight for it; what a mess!! That kind of sharp claim only leads to suffering. Of course I have things that I prefer and choose to enjoy, such as this computer, keyboard and a place to lay my head, yet it is not truly "mine," for there is no such thing.

This is the illusion of money. I do not own the money, for if I own the money it begins to own me. I just receive the energy/money, move it around in my own style and will, and release it to pay for something I am looking for. Similar to creativity in a way, and yet it differs. To create, is not to own. To create is to allow and to love. To love something is really to let it go, something I am learning, now. So I let this space go around me. I let it all go, for as much as I prefer the space, it has never truly been mine to own and dominate, for that is painful, morose and filled with heavy attachment to concrete walls I now liberate myself from.

Profile

rememberlove: (Default)
rememberlove

April 2017

S M T W T F S
      1
2345678
9101112131415
161718 19202122
23242526272829
30      

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Sep. 25th, 2017 08:03 am
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios